Storytime: Hindering Tendencies
♥ 11 MIN READ-
Many business and life coaches say, “Show me your habits, and that’ll show why you are or aren’t successful.” Well, I believe examining your tendencies will show you the life you are creating because our tendencies either build or destroy the life we say we want.
It’s pretty clear that I value self-examination, but I don’t see that the power is necessarily in me looking and thinking about my life. I’m smart and I believe I would eventually come to some astounding conclusions but the time and energy that would take- SHEESH! I’m all for working hard, but God’s given us the grace to work smarter, so I will do that. My goal is to look at myself and my life and see the truth. I make a point to look and examine; I trust God to reveal the truth and I promise to address what He reveals the way He instructs me to.
At this point in our lives, we shouldn’t want anything stopping us. (Well let me speak for myself, at least I don’t). I have grown so much but I realize that there are some tendencies I haven’t outgrown yet. Instead of ignoring them, I look deeper to see how they showed up then, how they announce themselves now, and decide on what I’ll do about them. Because I’ll tell you one thing- they’re not coming with me any longer.
Before we step deeper into this, I want to make sure we’re speaking the same language. For the sake of this conversation, a tendency and a habit aren’t the same things. Our friend Oxford says a tendency is “an inclination toward a particular characteristic or type of behavior.”
My tendencies seem uncontrollable and inherent. See, habits are conscious. You made a choice in the very beginning to do this, but a tendency, that wasn’t a noticeably conscious decision. It was almost a knee-jerk response and as far back as you can remember this is how you’ve been. You didn’t choose this with a sober mind, but you’ve got years of practice now, so it seems normal. Now it’s time to choose differently.
WHAT I SEE CLEARLY
Whom you have a tendency of being is in conflict with whom you are meant to become.
Our tendencies can’t be ignored. To stop the cycle, we must confront them. So, let’s go. There are a few tendencies I’ve discovered and I would bet my last dollar that we have some of these in common. Because I fancy myself to be quite the storyteller and because I’m only the expert of my own life I’m picking these examples from my own storybook. So, sit back. It’s storytime.
Tendency One
Picture it, Sicily 1909… (please tell me you got that Golden Girls reference). Seriously though it was 6th grade year and young Alaina took a risk and tried out for the school musical. There was a song I had my heart set on singing and they gave the part to another girl. I was heartbroken, especially since she couldn’t sing. But one thing led to another, and another part became available and this one was the perfect song for me. It was gospel-inspired and I could vibe with it. I practiced in the garage for days to get the song right and when I auditioned, I got the part. I was excited and everything was great until… I had to rehearse the song on stage, in front of people. I was terrified. Singing and cracking or hitting a bad note was not an option and I was raised to respect adults, so I got up there and sang, but not loud enough for anyone to hear me. The play director made me go over and over the song and tried to give me tips, but I wouldn’t give him anything else. I was so relieved when I saw my mother walk into the auditorium to pick me up. The torture was over! I ran to get my stuff but not before the director happened to mention to my mother that they were having trouble getting me to sing loud enough to be heard. That was the wrong thing to say to her. Before I knew it, I was ordered back on the stage to sing again, and she made it clear that if she wasn’t satisfied with my performance that she would leave my north-side living self at that south-side school. I kid you not my mother walked back and forth throughout the entire space, and I had to sing loud enough for her to hear me in every corner of that auditorium. And this was WITHOUT a microphone. She was not playing. She made me sing that song until she felt like I did my best. When she started the adults in the room looked like they wanted to call CPS on her for her lightweight abuse of me but by the end, oh they looked at her like she was a miracle worker. They were amazed because they just didn’t believe I had it in me. Honestly, I didn’t either.
Tendency 1: Forgetting what I’m capable of.
In many ways when I must do something new, especially in public, I have a tendency to doubt that I’ll be successful. It is so easy to see all the ways I might fail, but it’s harder to see the ways I’ll pull it off. I see it as logical and responsible preparation but it’s a tendency to devalue myself and lessen God. It’s a habit of believing a lie and finding the information to reinforce it. But I’m learning to stop the spin and to confront this lie with the truth because failing publicly is not the biggest risk, missing a divine moment is.
A little while ago my mother and I were laughing about this memory, and I asked her what made her respond how she did. She said, “I knew what was in you and how hard to push to bring it out.” She said, “Not only could I not let you believe that, but I couldn’t let those people treat you like that was the best you could do. I couldn’t let you live that lie.” See you don’t always know what’s inside you until you’re pushed. And without the pressure, we would comfortably live a lie.
I felt like my mother was so cruel at the time, but I have so much respect for her now. This isn’t just imposter syndrome. It’s the spirit of poverty and it shows up in mindsets that convince you to believe you don’t have enough and you aren’t enough.
So, you have to decide what spirit you’re going to move in. Can you do all things through God that strengthens you? Do you believe God provided for and equipped you or do you think failure is inevitable because you don’t have what it takes? You get to choose what you believe but you’re responsible for the benefits or consequences of that choice.
Tendency Two
Now for this next story, I was much younger, maybe 4 or 5 but I remember it vividly. It was during one of the summers when my sisters and I spent two weeks with my grandma. One day, she took us to this children’s museum where they were having some kids’ activity in this igloo-like tent and inside they did a light show or something. Well, when it was our turn, I was excited. We had to get on our little hands and knees and crawl inside the little igloo thing with the instructor and the rest of the kids. The only problem was as I crawled into the tunnel of the igloo it seemed like it was getting darker and darker and like it was going on for miles. I didn’t know what was in there and I was too scared to find out. I backed my way out of that thing and completely aborted the mission. My sisters tried to convince me to come in, but I wouldn’t. Instead, I heard the kids’, oohs, ahhs, and laughter from the outside sitting next to my grandma, and regretted that I wasn’t brave enough to experience the show.
Tendency 2: Not submitting to the unknown
I’ll admit there are times I have a problem with relaxing in the unknown. I’ve gotten much better since the igloo incident but if I’m not careful I will slip back into refusing situations that require me to trust the unknown, only now it looks different. It looks like me procrastinating by overplanning or waiting for the millionth confirmation. Now it looks like control and plan b’s. It may look different but, in many ways, it’s still that girl backtracking out of the igloo refusing to go forward even though I want to experience what’s ahead. In essence, it’s avoiding submitting because I don’t like the situation.
I don’t want to run back to my comfort zone anymore. I know what’s there. It’s funny that the more you take a chance in trusting God in situations that feel unknown they actually start feeling familiar because you discover that they’re not as foreign as you thought. You just need something to anchor you.
If when I was entering that igloo, I would have reminded myself that my sisters were with me and they wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me, I probably would have made it through that experience. At that time, I believed my sisters could protect me from anything, but I was so scared I didn’t focus on that. In the same way, when I remind myself that God is with me so even if the situation feels unstable, I am safe, I am able to make it through many situations that would have once sent me running.
We need truths to anchor us. And it can’t be a truth you think you believe or are trying to believe. No, you must find a truth you have conviction about. Something you actually believe because when you’re in the moment it’s not the time to try to convince yourself of the truth. That anchor isn’t established. You have to determine what’s true to you, why you believe it’s true, and reinforce it with the evidence you believe so it can anchor you when you need it.
Tendency Three
If you know me, you know that I think Boys II Men is one of the best groups of all time. I mean the harmony, the vocal quality, the emotion (Do I need to say more? I didn’t think so. You’re picking up what I’m putting down.)
Well, a few years ago I got a chance to finally see the Boys in concert. It was great! Hearing those harmonies in person was EVERYTHING! On the way home with my mom and sister, I was high on life, so my sister was in charge of being the car DJ and playing all of my favorite songs that they didn’t sing. Well, she was lowkey getting on my nerves because she started testing songs that weren’t really anyone’s favorite, so I felt like she was bringing down the mood of the car. I was about to revoke her DJ privileges because she started playing this slow song and I was telling her I didn’t know it and she was arguing with me that I did. I was offended! I know what I know and who is she to be telling me what I know like she knows better than me! I was about to change the song myself when it got to the course and all of a sudden, I started singing the words to a song I had no recollection of. I mean it lowkey freaked me out. Before the lyrics could hit my head they were coming out of my mouth. I was executing runs perfectly and everything. What I had forgotten is that I use to love that song and I only remembered that after I was open to the idea, I might be wrong.
Tendency 3: To forget that I’m not always the expert of me
With all my self-examination sometimes, I convince myself that I know myself – and I do, but if I am not careful, I’ll forget that I know myself well, but God knows me best. He often confronts in me the things I feel like I know about myself, who I am, and what I’m capable of. Well, I may be an expert on who I’ve been but I’m learning whom I’m becoming. I must keep the perspective that I am discovering myself, otherwise, I have a tendency to reject who God reveals to me I am.
There have been so many times God has told me I am someone or put me in a situation where I was required to perform at a level or in a way that I didn’t think was me. This blog was completely wrong for me I thought, career moves He told me to make seemed so out of reach, who He told me He created me to be seemed like a fairytale. It all seemed like He got it wrong, but life became easier for me when I allowed myself to consider the possibility that my perspective of me might not be reality. What if God was right? What if this is really who I am, and I’ve gotten it wrong this whole time? Instead of rejecting His promptings to accept His identity, I started asking myself what if He was right. And you know me, I started looking for evidence: Well, I am pretty good at this, and I’ve always been able to do that so it might not be so crazy to believe this could happen.
That one switch to just consider the possibility turned into hope, which turned into faith, which became trust and action, and then I started becoming all the things He said I was in ways I could see. Now when God reveals to me who I am, even if it may feel massively overwhelming, I don’t say no, instead I ask Him to help me believe it and trust Him to help me become it.
Tendency Zero
I believe that every human being has the tendency of Adam. It may show up when we’re tired, frustrated, scared, disappointed, hurt, or more but for whatever reason, we have a tendency to depart from His presence- to back up, take space, create distance all to protect ourselves from what we feel like His access will bring. We may back up because we feel shame for some of our mistakes, or because we felt rejected by God, overburdened, or disappointed. We take control, create a Plan B or try to chart a new path to get what we want in a way that seems easier. Whatever the feeling or reason it convinced us that God’s presence wasn’t a safe place or the quickest route to everything we needed.
We have a tendency to forget that He is the solution and the supply. Running from Him perpetuates the problem. Running to him accelerates the solution. My life has been spent discovering how true this is. (It only seems untrue to those who don’t yet understand how to truly experience God’s presence. If you want to learn how ask me. I can share what worked for me.)
You know, in looking at my tendencies I see that right before I reacted and my tendency came to be, there was a lie that found its way into my heart, “If people are watching you can’t mess up.” “The unknown is unsafe.” I didn’t consciously choose to believe these things but when the thought came, I agreed with it. I held onto it and wouldn’t accept the truth, so it showed up in my life over and over as tendencies. Things I did without even thinking. Things I did inherently as far back as I could remember, but just because I’ve always done them doesn’t mean I have to accept them anymore. We accept things as a normal part of our personality too easily and many of these things would fall away if we confronted them. We are not meant to be ruled by our tendencies. But how do we stop? We outsmart them.
Instead of my tendencies feeding my shame they feed my intentions, my passion, my pursuit. I focus myself so my tendencies don’t lead me. If my tendencies happen when I don’t think, what happens when I’m intentional about what I do and think? Well for one a whole lot less mindless behavior happens. See, we don’t have to be at the mercy of our tendencies. God gives us strategy: Crucify your flesh daily and renew your mind. This helps fortify us to confront and correct our tendencies so they don’t have power over us. They focus our life on purpose.
Side Note
You know, it was actually in focusing my passion and intention on pursuing God that I found my purpose. Purpose is revealed in pursuit of God. If you pursue purpose alone you will find confusion, hustle, and a misdirected identity because purpose is a by-product, not a priority.
So, what are your tendencies? Do you know? If not, I encourage you to take the time to find out and then ask God to show you what that tendency is connected to because 9 times out of 10 there’s a lie that’s found its way to your heart that’s keeping the cycle of that tendency going.
I pray that every habit, tendency, thought, or belief that is not rooted in the truth of God is removed from your heart, mind, and life. I command your deliverance in the name of Jesus and ask Him to renew your mind and heal your heart, so you no longer choose to live these lies. I pray that God reveals to you who you are and the life of purpose, peace, joy, favor, and abundance He has for you. I pray He frees you from any shame of the past and that you experience His love like never before. Cleanse us, Lord, wash us, renew and refresh us for your Glory and righteousness.
So as always, I want to know how this impacted you. The thoughts or revelations you had because of this episode. How this helped you, decisions you made, conversations this inspired. I want to know all the things. Be sure to subscribe to the Clarisee Podcast on any podcast platform or visit clariseeblog.com for all Clarisee content. Also, connect with the Clarisee Blog social media pages to continue the conversation.
