The Blessing of Self Sabotage
♥ 13 MIN READ, CLICK TO WATCH OR LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE–
A few weeks ago during a much-needed laugh-talk-brunch session, I was telling one of my friends that it’s almost like I can see God shifting things into place and I’m excited but it’s also nerve-wracking to feel the proximity of the promises I’ve been waiting and hoping for.
Let me be real with yal. It feels like I’m standing on a beach and a tidal wave is surging toward me. Have you been in a season like this? Are you here now? (If so thank you so much for the company.)
If you’re unsure let me explain. You feel the magnitude of the moment you’re in. You see the transition, you sense the doors that are about to open, you understand the choices you’ll probably have to make and it’s these revelations that create the opportunity for self-sabotage. Deep down you know everything is about to change but you’re not sure if you fully want them to.
Self-sabotage has been an intermittent companion and my nemesis for most of my life. It’s what paralyzed me with fear in my elementary school spelling bee (I knew how to spell that word). It’s what kept me in that relationship for months too long when I knew there was better for me. It’s what makes me white-knuckle grip some situations and let others slip through my fingers.
All my life I have been trying to end my cycles of self-sabotage. But I was trying to fix what I was doing without facing why it was possible. There is a blessing in this lesson and I just wasn’t finding it. But it’s because I wasn’t getting to the root.
What I See Clearly
Attempting to move forward to levels we refuse to grow to will always result in self-sabotage because we’re always sabotaged by things within us that God already warned us were there. It’s the areas we didn’t heal, submit or surrender that sabotage us. These areas aren’t meant to go with us to the next level so they will always pull us backward. Kill them or kill the promise. Those are the options.
So today we’re facing ourselves and I’m pretty sure we’ll find we have a lot more in common than we think.
Self Saboteur
You know Sometimes our patterns of self-sabotage can be subtle. For me, it can be as simple as spending the evening binge-watching a show. I can call it rest, a break, or self-care when in reality I’m attempting to distance, avoid and isolate myself from what I know I need to be doing with that time. Because with self-sabotage sometimes it’s not about whether the action is negative or positive, but what we stopped doing to do it instead.
So before we move forward here are a few questions for you to consider when locating your patterns of self-sabotage. FYI, the examples are just a list of my own dirty laundry.
1. What typically stops or slows down your forward momentum? What has the power to derail or distract your progress? Is it anger, fear, worry, anxiety, the need to be in control, holding on to the past, staying too long in the present, lack of confidence, too much complacency, etc?
2. What typically triggers you? Feeling overwhelmed, disappointed, out of control, abandoned, devalued, hopeless, etc.
3. What areas could you be self-sabotaging yourself in? Do you know the promise of God you are supposed to be moving toward in this season?
For some of us, there are things God has told us or that we know we need to do to move closer to the person and place He promised us. If this is a mystery to you your unfulfilled desires are usually a hint because typically our heart’s desires are from God. How we fulfill them is where it gets sketchy.
What have you been wanting to do, planning, thinking, talking about, or working on for months or years? This may be an area you are self-sabotaging by not getting or not obeying direction from God.
Split Personalities
So I’ll put myself back in the hot seat. I’ve learned this month that apparently my self-sabotage typically takes on three personas that each have to own their root and their own trigger. Let me know if you see yourself in any of these too.
The Escape Artist
First, we have the Escape Artist. This persona is quick to abandon the promise because it was never going to work out or I didn’t want it that bad anyway. Settling is your safety net and you lull yourself to sleep with the notion that you’re happier without what God promised you. You have enough. You are enough. Nothing major needs to change. You’re fine.
You are triggered when life gets to be too much though – too many opportunities, responsibilities, expectations, requirements to grow. You’re overwhelmed and you’re pretty sure you can’t cut it anyway so you never fully try and if you do, you abort at the first sign things might not work out. Life has taught you to quit first. The Escape Artist gives up at the point they have to give more so they become ok with never getting more. In essence, they abandon the future to retreat to the familiar.
It’s interesting when you’ve been hoping and praying and wanting something for so long how terrifying it can be to see yourself on the cusp of getting it. What should be exciting is laced with fear and for many of us the risk of getting or not getting it is equally scary so we opt for what we already know and disregard the fact that we attempted to move forward because we already decided what we had wasn’t enough. Be honest about what scares you. It’s not that you don’t think more is possible. What scares you is that you do. ….Sometimes when we can’t see our way out we settle into a place of destruction instead of deliverance.
Now please believe I’m not coming for you. This has been me and if I’m not careful it can be me again.
The interesting thing about the Escape Artist is the very truth they avoid is what will set them free. See, self-sabotage shows you believe change is coming. You feel the magnitude of the possibility but you’ve convinced yourself you’re not ready. You’re probably not wrong.
I once heard Apostle Jonathan Ferguson say sometimes you have to agree with the devil quickly. Now when he said it it sounded 10 shades of off to me, but if you think about it it’s a powerful truth. See the problem with the things that we’re telling ourselves when we’re creating the self-sabotage spiral is there’s some truth to it. I’m not ready for this. I’ll probably mess this up. This is terrifying. You know what. All of that may be true. That’s why empty platitudes may not help you out of it. You need the truth. Yes, you may not be qualified. Yes, you may have a long history of failing in this particular area. Yes, it’s a good chance you might find a way to screw this up. Based on your experience your concerns may be valid, but your probability for success is not based on you. It’s all banking on the God that is with you. He makes all the difference and nothing you can tell yourself can stand up to God’s track record for success.
For some of us, we believe that God is powerful but we misunderstand our power. Self-sabotage proves that you aren’t powerful enough to be your own Savior but you have enough power to stop yourself. It’s interesting because it’s an indication that on one level your identity is misaligned but deep down there is some awareness of your power. Part of you knows only you can stop you. It is power used for the wrong purpose that’s the problem. What should propel you forward you’ve directed at yourself to instead destroy you.
So what do you do? You’ve got to decide to let the old you go. Burn the bridge to anything behind you and be willing to move forward at all costs. I’m not saying forget your past failures, that’s nearly impossible, but what I am saying is to reframe how you see them. Despite and because of them you are here. Despite every imperfection and the flawed human being you are and because of the strength and wisdom you’ve gained from your journey coupled with God’s grace and mercy you are here with the opportunity to have more and be more. That’s the truth. You don’t have to see how you’re equipped or that you’ll be successful, you just have to know that you are and you will be – because that’s what God promised. To end this self-sabotage spiral you have to trust that you have a Savior more powerful than your humanity and a Father that loves you enough to keep His Promises. And when you doubt this go to Him – instead of running.
The Preventer
Next, we have the Preventer. Now, their mantra is “fool me once but you won’t have the chance to fool me again.” This persona has the appearance of progress but in reality, they’re too distracted by the past to move forward. Oh, you’ll be trucking along just fine- moving and shaking and whatnot but then something will happen that looks too similar to a painful experience and you’ll go into a self-sabotage tailspin because you become consumed with preventing the past from happening again. Anger, fear, victimhood, hopelessness, need for control, desperation for justice (which is usually borderline revenge) – your self-sabotage can take on many forms but what it results in is you being more concerned with protection than progress. The heaviness of your brokenness and unresolved issues weigh you down and the momentum you had stopped or drastically slows. See You may make progress in other areas, but in this one, you’re stuck. Your wounded heart is chained to the past. Where your heart is your behavior follows and old habits, thoughts and feelings start creeping back in. See, preventers spend so much energy focused on what they feel like they lost that they lose sight of what God is giving them. They essentially trade the promise for restitution.
My granny used to take the revelations she gleaned from life and make them sayings that found their way into her everyday conversations. She use to say your feelings will have you acting a fool then call you a fool for acting. But it’s the feelings we feel out of broken places that make us look like fools. Nothing sends me into a self-sabotage spiral faster than my brokenness being triggered. When a situation takes me back to a place of hurt, insecurity, or abandonment that I’ve been to before it can trigger old reactions that sabotage new blessings. It makes me forget who I am and all the tools I’ve gained and I revert to this person who’s ill-equipped for the current level because I’m trying to fight this battle with outdated weapons. It’s funny how quickly we lose current common sense when we slip back into unhealthy past behavior.
When our hurt and fears get triggered we’ve got to remember who we are and what we’ve learned. We are not victims. We are overcomers. The situation, other people’s behavior, outside opinions- they don’t tell us who we are- God does and we choose victory over self-sabotage when we believe it and act like it.
Sometimes you have to fight your feelings for your future. Too often we sacrifice our future for what we feel at the moment. And that math will never make sense.
When I think of all the times I’ve engaged my Preventer-mode it has been triggered by the reminder of broken promises and all the times I hoped and was disappointed. It’s a feeling I never want to feel again so I step back from the next level to protect myself. Nobody wants to be a fool twice, especially me. But what I have to remember is who made the promise and ask myself who said I was a fool? In all of those times, it wasn’t God that made the Promise or if he did, it wasn’t Him that said this situation was the fulfillment of His promise. It was usually me or someone else that did that. So I wasn’t hopeless my hope was just misplaced. Second, making a mistake may make me foolish, but it doesn’t make me a fool. There’s a difference.
So what’s the cause and the cure? …..This strain of self-sabotage comes because we developed confidence in ourselves or people but not in God so when that’s shaken we feel like we have nothing left. No safety, no hope and we grieve the loss of the dream we had for more. A lot of times when we determine we never want to feel this way again we barricade the feelings instead of healing them. When we don’t heal unforgiveness and bitterness can set in. For me, it is usually a cocktail of not forgiving them, God, and myself. Them for doing it, God for allowing it, and me because I always should have known better. It’s the unforgiveness that keeps us chained to the situation and that yanks us back.
Trust me I know that forgiveness isn’t easy and letting someone off the hook may make you feel like you’re at the mercy of becoming a victim again. I hate that feeling, but I’ve learned that the control I need to feel safe and at peace, I have. It’s just not control over them. It’s control over me. I can’t change their behavior or make them face what they did but I get to decide what holds me back, what I give my heart to, and when I move forward.
People always say that forgiveness is more for you than the other person but how God put it to me was that it’s not about them. unforgiveness and bitterness are my enemies. They’re standing in my way to getting to the next level and what God has promised me. Either forgive so I can disconnect from this person, situation, and this level or be pulled backward. Those are the options of every Preventer.
The Negotiator
Last we have the Negotiator. Now with this persona, the magnitude of the opportunity isn’t the problem. Success doesn’t scare you and other people don’t hold you back. You have your to-do list and you are willing to do what it takes to move forward…until things don’t go to your plan. When the cost looks like it’s too much and things aren’t working out like how you decided they should you go rouge. Now it’s not always overt, you simply delay and add requirements to your obedience. It may be that you need more support, answers, confirmation or for God to show you something so you feel comfortable moving forward. It could be that you have too many obligations that you need to get off your plate so you can focus on what God told you to do because it’s too important to do this wrong so you’re going to wait until you can do it right. Or you need to work on this, do this, be this before you’re ready and once you’ve gotten yourself together you’ll come back and seize this opportunity.
The Negotiator hijacks their obedience by creating their own rules in an attempt to create another pathway to the promise that’s more comfortable for them. Their self-sabotage episode is preceded by a thought that is essentially – I want what I want, but not like that. (Cue Backstreet Boys I Want It That Way).
They are constantly busy but never seem to make any real progress toward the promise because they’ve confused pursuing their desires with pursuing the promise.
Remember I know each of these personas so well because I’ve met them many times in my life. I’m never talking about you. It’s always about us.
One thing about the Negotiator is that they rarely realize that’s what they’re doing. They have all of the appearances of obedience but their heart has left God. They work and work at things believing that they’re getting closer to the promise but it’s all busy work because they didn’t do what God actually said to do. They try to change the rules by changing the instructions. Either God didn’t say that, He didn’t mean that or they distract themselves from hearing at all to alleviate disobedience. They’ve decided what they want and they’re going after it, but they took an alternate route because their desire to have what they wanted became more important than how they got it. And their desire makes them blind, deaf, and dumb- in the biblical sense.
When you’re a Negotiator you run the risk of wanting what you want by any means necessary. Feeling fulfilled becomes more important than actually finding fulfillment and growth is traded for merely looking productive. You’re ok with this hamster wheel of self-sabotage because it gives you the feeling of having what you want, without paying the cost to get the real thing. They keep themselves moving so they don’t notice, but when they slow down they feel that something is missing.
This version of self-sabotage is pursuit, just in the wrong direction. We are meant to submit our desire to God and follow His, not the other way around. Self-sabotage is an indication of a divided heart that’s unsubmitted. Our wants are colliding. Never forget an unsubmitted heart is prone to self-sabotage because all it can produce is destruction. Without God’s desires being the priority our hearts have no failsafe and we’ll swing from desire to desire to try to find the fulfillment we’re longing for. And the trap is we are constantly pursuing but never really getting the things that God has promised to give us all because we didn’t get them from Him.
We’ve got to trust that God’s promises are the setup for our desires to be fulfilled so our obedience just gets us what we truly want. Fullfiment and obidience are cousins. Having one connects you to the other. Be honest with yourself are you fulfilled?
If you are not, I guarantee there is an instruction that you ignored, disregarded, or altered. Please believe God doesn’t stutter. He says what He says and He means it. Changing His instructions to make it more comfortable or easier to do doesn’t yield the same results. There are no shortcuts here.
It All Comes Down To This
In all of this breaking down the personas, I don’t want us to miss something important.
What’s heartbreaking about self-sabotage is it reveals there are times not even we want what’s best for us. If we’re honest, sometimes our treatment of ourselves doesn’t meet the standard of love, care, and support we expect from other people. Self-care isn’t just bubble baths, good food, long naps, telling people no, and splurging on nice things- it’s also setting ourselves up to have and be the best. And that means not sabotaging what God has for us. I’m tired of being my own worst enemy? I don’t want to be out here Mtumbo-ing God’s blessings for my life. Forget other people, how many times am I going to give up on myself?
I am making a commitment to being on my own team. I don’t believe any of us want to stay on the level that we’re on for the rest of our lives so we’ve got to understand that not being obedient, not seeking, not praying, not prioritizing God’s desires- all of these things are us fighting to stay here. They distract, derail, and make us complacent. We have held onto this level for too long. It’s time to go.
So what’s the first step in breaking the self-sabotage cycle?
What I See Clearly
When what I wanted or didn’t want to happen wasn’t the most important part of the equation, the strength of my self-sabotage dissolved because for the spiral to work, self has to be the priority. Your need to fulfill your desires or protect yourself makes the engine go.
For me, I had to learn to love something more than myself. My success, my survival, and my fulfillment had to be about more than me. These things became worth fighting for only because they had a greater purpose.
If you’re like me, you are motivated by a greater cost. It can’t be just about you. If you’re messing with me, Eh I can let that go but mess with my family, and we’re moving furniture.
I am often willing to sacrifice myself, but others, that’s a cost I can’t justify. And that was the cost God used to help me face myself and fight all of the areas in me that caused me to self-sabotage. What’s your price? Wats worth fighting for? What is more important than having what you want?
So before we go I want to keep the main thing the main thing. What’s The Blessing?
Through all of this, I’ve learned self-sabotage is God’s mercy. It’s Him allowing us to see the effects of our brokenness and feel its cost. He uncamouflages our enemy that is sometimes lying dormant inside of us and gives us the tools to fight it.
And in His grace, He gives us time. The fact that self-sabotage doesn’t destroy us and we have time to get it right is a blessing. Because if we’re honest, we weren’t looking for this. We were ok in our cycle until He started making us uncomfortable in it. We weren’t looking for answers to these problems, and we didn’t want to know, but God showed us anyway. Now it’s on us to do something with it.
