Losing Labels
♥ 8 min read-
I’ve had a big butt all of my life. In fact, in middle school, my Granny tried to give me butt exercises so that I wouldn’t be “bottom-heavy.” (In her defense her butt was as flat as a pancake so she didn’t understand that her “exercises” would actually make my butt stick out more.) Ironically also in middle school, the boys noticed my derriere (I really don’t know why everyone was paying so much attention to my backside) and tried to give me a nickname because of it. Even at that young of an age, I knew enough not to accept that name and therefore allow an element of my body to define me. But looking at my life since then, I have easily let things just as meaningless become my identity. It’s amazing how we can overcome then stumble on the same lesson.
If you’re like me, you may see the danger in allowing others to label you, but be less aware of the things you internally decide to attach your identity to. I often mislabeled these things as simple preferences or #goals. They could be explained away as what people remembered most about me, what I did well or what I wanted to be known for.
If we’re not careful, we will treat what we would like to be known for as the totality of what’s most important about us. And when one of these things is taken, it shows us just how much of our identity was wrapped up in it. It can start out small. If you blink you’ll miss it. Here are a few of mine.
Mirror Mirror
I have always been small and although my skin has never been accused of being flawless, I’ve also never been the one others felt like giving unsolicited skincare tips too. In a nutshell, for me, these things were never an issue. People tell you things change when you get older. I should have believed them. Thirty hit me hard yal and your girl wasn’t prepared for it. All at once my skin decided to change without my permission. For the first time I was on the receiving end of a free sample of acne products because a well-meaning cousin at the family reunion noticed I needed it and at Christmas my world came to a screeching halt when a friendly workout with my sisters revealed that although I was the youngest, I was now the heaviest among us.
In the grand scheme of things, neither of these issues is a big deal, but to me they were earth-shattering. My brain became consumed with fixing the problem, without taking the time to correctly identify what the root of the problem actually was. I simply jumped into doing. Get a trainer. Check. Google adult acne and try out everything under the sun. Check. In all of my doing, I made progress, but I still didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. Instead of being so quick to try to fix the image, I should have examined why the shift in my reflection affected me so deeply. Honestly, if I had stopped to do this sooner I would have reached my desires more quickly because the manifestation rarely proceeds understanding. It’s the shift in perspective that accelerates the answer to our prayers.
A Beautiful Idea
When you have always been something, you can deceive yourself into believing that’s what you will always be. I had become accustomed to seeing clear skin when I looked in the mirror and slipping into a certain size of clothing. And because I had never been confronted with an alternate experience my vision wasn’t strong enough to see past this new image of myself and still deem it beautiful. Opportunities for a new level of self-love often come after the destruction of false identity. I had to disconnect my idea of beauty from what I externally saw and when I did, what I saw changed.
Power By Association
My first job out of college was at a boutique communications firm. I was hired during a rebuilding phase and the CEO and I became like family. I was her right hand, her back up brain and pretty much had my hands in anything the company was doing. She was well known in our city and my association with her afforded me a lot of opportunities to experience things my friends weren’t doing. I was traveling, attending any event I wanted to in the city, knew the movers and shaker, was in all of the big meetings and had an impressive title. I loved it. Then life hit. Business slowed down and the small salary I was making came to a screeching halt. To make matters worse my Granny had been diagnosed with cancer again and was this time was choosing to treat it naturopathically. I not only needed money but I also needed a job with evening hours so I could spend the day sitting with my grandmother while tackling projects to help get the company back on track. A friend got me on working at the front desk at a cosmetology school, which was a blessing. I liked my co-workers, the pay wasn’t bad and the hours were perfect. If I’m honest, the only problem was the title and what my colleagues assumed about me because of it. As a “girl at the front desk” it seemed like I was often treated as if I was in that position because that was all that I was capable of and if a mistake was made, it was because I didn’t understand. Inside I still had the confidence of a VP of Operations who could essentially run a company by herself if needed but to them, I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag without getting turned around. The juxtaposition of who I had been and my current state was a hit to my pride.
I have never been one to gloat about my position or to pass out business cards just because I wanted people to know what I did and somehow that tricked me into believing that my career had no impact on my identity.
To be completely honest, the association made me feel important. Being affiliated with my former CEO felt like a superpower. A girl who was once shy and doubted herself became confident to make the big calls and make her presence known in the room. Respect from strangers felt like a default all because of who I walked into the room with.
When I viewed my career association as positive it added to me, but when it was negative, it depleted me and that got my attention. Without my “superpower” I felt like less of myself…out of place. I questioned if who I had been was simply a one-time thing. It was as if my skills, abilities, and confidence were more about my environment and less about who I truly was. This situation allowed me to choose who I was and fight for it.
Identity Protection
We often explain away elements of our identity and give it away if things don’t come easily in every season of our lives. We trick ourselves into believing it was a fluke or a result of someone else’s presence in our lives rather than an intentional element of who God made us be. We’ve got to protect our identity and defend it from false beliefs that will suggest that we aren’t who we thought we were. Our strengths aren’t accidents nor are they the results of anyone’s presence but God’s. People may be used to show us some things about ourselves but who we are then is someone we always have the opportunity to be. God has deposited it, but it’s on us to choose to become.
#HairGoals
Ever since in elementary school when my sister and I were surprised with our first relaxer, (which subsequently led to our hair breaking off and catapulting us into some VERY awkward years) I have desired long hair. No disrespect to the sisters with short hair but I never thought it looked good on me so #longhairdontcare was always my goal.
Life in the hair department was good. I made it through my struggling college student years without losing too much length and by my mid-20s I was maintaining almost bra strap length hair. But the stress I endured in my 29th year filled my 30th with hard conversations with my stylist (I told yal 30 hit me hard) that left me rocking a chin-length angled bob. It was cute but it wasn’t my choice. Long hair was simply my preference, but sitting in my car crying over a haircut made me wonder if it was something more.
Faulty Measurements
Somewhere along the way, my hair had become a measuring stick, a symbol of my success and growth. It had transcended being a goal and became an indicator of the level of growth I was achieving in my life. When I was at my best my hair was growing and inches were added with no problem. When life was the hardest breakage was my constant reward. So when I looked in the mirror all I saw was loss- evidence that in spite of trying, I had failed. Seeing my hair reduced to chin length was a reminder of everything the last season had cost me. I wasn’t who I used to be and when I looked in the mirror it was a painful reminder of all the things I desired to hold onto but didn’t come with me in this season. Things like my grandparents and everything else that was taken that I seemed to have no control over. I saw loss because I hadn’t made peace with the cost. Re-examining and reshaping my perspective showed me that it cost me greatly but the alternative I wanted would have cost me more.
What I See Clearly
- God can use anything to teach us a lesson and will often use small things to get our attention and get us a message. He has the power to take something ordinary and give it new meaning, but we have that same power. Don’t assume that what something is, is all that it means. We often unconsciously assign a deeper meaning to seemingly insignificant things yet we live out what those things truly represent to us.
- Choosing my own image and subtly rejecting the identity God offered me is essentially the mistake Adam, Eve and Lucifer made. In each of these instances God was giving me the opportunity to become multifaceted but I only wanted the one dimension I was used to. I had to let go of my perspective and resist the knee jerk reaction to long for Egypt (i.e. what I was used to) when God was opening the door to something I didn’t have the sense to ask for. Transition can be scary but it’s worth it. The process of “becoming” is scary but not choosing to become is to choose stagnation. It’s to choose death.
- God will confront your identity when it doesn’t line up with who He has created you to be. Your view is distorted. Your rosy glass is smudged and only contact with Him can bring your lens back in focus. Trust Him enough to allow Him to operate as the Creator in your life. Instead of telling Him who you are and who you’re not, be patient and allow Him to show you who truly are. This process will always both terrify and surprise you.
«Consider This»
- Are there any things that you have allowed to intertwine with your identity?
Let’s have a conversation about this. Share your thoughts below.
