Independent Woman: The Good & Bad of Doing It on Your Own

♥ 8 MIN READ-

I have always had an independent streak. I can pump my own gas, change a flat tire, and get a car full of groceries in the house in one trip (I’m a one trip or die kind of person.) If you don’t help me then I’ll just do it myself. I can be strong-willed, stubborn, and low-key petty if my ability is questioned. I was raised to believe I could do anything and have no problem making it happen on my own if need be. I’m not a betting person but I’ll bet on me every time.

By the same token, I have always wanted to help rather than be helped. I am a take care of business personality. Whatever the task, I will do my best to get it done. Whatever the problem I will come up with a solution and a backup just in case. The PR person in me is always thinking of contingency plans. If there’s a problem my friends and family know that I’ll handle it, just say the word. It’s as good as done.

I know these things about me, but I never saw how much my “I’ll do it myself” attitude affected my relationship with God until He brought it to my attention. And what a rude awakening that was.

Picture it: Gonzaga, 2019 (That is a Sofia reference. You’ll get it if you’re a Golden Girls fan like me.)

Although I am an online student one of my courses at Gonzaga University required me to get to campus for a three-day practicum (I’m getting an M.A. in Communications & Leadership with a focus on digital strategies). Now to be honest nothing in me wanted to go on this trip. I tried to get out of it but they said it was non-negotiable so I bit the bullet, bought a plane ticket and put my vacation time in at work. I was pissed though and anyone who tried to get me to be optimistic about the trip walked away defeated. I had a list of why this trip was a horrible idea.

• It was the absolute wrong time. My father was recovering from back surgery and I was convinced my parents needed my extra set of hands. Also, I was in the middle of an important project at work that I didn’t want to take a break from.
• It was money I didn’t want to spend. Plane tickets out of my hometown were $100 more expensive so I resigned myself to fly out of Dallas, TX, which meant driving an extra 4 hours.
• It used up the last of my vacation days. The final straw was that the class required more vacation days off work than I really wanted to use.

I didn’t want to go, but I had no choice. I hated being forced into going but I had already paid for the class and I wasn’t about to waste more money. To my surprise, the trip was actually great. I hit it off with the people in my class. On top of the campus was beautiful and I got a chance to really slow down and woosah (relax) as I walked around the city sightseeing and being one with nature. Everything was so unexpectedly nice that I tricked myself into believing God orchestrated the trip just for me to have a good time. I was blindsided by the lesson.

During one course of the class, we were surprised with a speaking assignment. Before class, we were told to draft an intro speech but were never told what to do with it. When we got to class we were told we had a few minutes to prepare our speech. And oh yeah, we were also being recorded and our classmates were supposed to critique our delivery.

So this assignment hit every one of my buttons and here’s why. I honestly don’t mind public speaking. It’s not my favorite thing but I’m pretty good at it. I hate feeling unprepared and to maximize that, I detest being unprepared and then being put on the spot publicly. On top of that, I HATE being unprepared and to know that I’m being judged. I feel like if you’re going to judge me, at least let me put my best foot forward. I was convinced this assignment was a set up for failure and I HATE to fail.

Needless to say, I self-destructed during the speaking assignment. About one minute into a speech that was supposed to be three times as long I felt like it wasn’t going well so I ended it and aborted the whole thing. I didn’t want to start over or try again. I was done and my body language, along with my voice communicated it. When I took my seat I was so mad at myself that I was fighting back tears (I hate that I’m an angry crier). Deep down I knew I had given up on an opportunity to grow and I was mad at myself for it. I failed the test and like I said, I hate to fail.

Why the Tears?

A lot of the times the severity of my reactions to things will get my attention and let me know that there’s more to it than I realize. I was pissed about not doing as well as I should for the assignment but the tearing up caught me by surprise. When things like this happen it’s usually God beckoning me to take a deeper look.

There have been so many times my spirit has known things that my head didn’t (and sometimes refused to) realize. In His mercy, God has used seemingly random experiences to help me see what was going on with me and given me the opportunity to make a decision rather than simply reacting on an unconscious level. In these instances, it feels like God hits me with a pause and allows me to see my behavior through His eyes. I rarely realize that that’s what I’m doing and once I do, I never choose to continue the behavior.

What I saw when I looked was God giving me the opportunity to face a fear I didn’t even realize was related to this experience. This lesson was a precursor and it allowed me to find the key to facing my fear of this upcoming season. I don’t feel prepared for what God is asking me to do and it scares me that I will have to learn on the fly in a visible position. That’s the part of this that scares me the most. I don’t want to self destruct and fail publicly. This lesson was a taste of this. Although it was more public than I would have liked, God put me out there just enough to get my attention to learn the lesson.

The Downfall of Independence

When I look back on this experience I wonder how different the outcome would have been if I had prayed. Would I have been successful if I had simply taken the time to ask the Holy Spirit for help? I am so quick to face situations head-on. Convinced that I can plan or logicize my way through it and I rarely ask God for help. The truth I had to face was, honestly I didn’t really want His help.

Asking for help reminds me of my limitations and that is the last thing I want to be reminded of. I would rather thank God for giving me the ability to execute things perfectly than to ask for His help in the moment. My first inclination is independence. I had to reconcile that my definition of Godly preparation was flawless execution. My reaction to this assignment mirrored my reaction in life. When flawless execution wasn’t the end result, I felt like God set me up to fail. It was grossly unrealistic but somehow this became my expectation. My frustration eased when I realized that the root of the misunderstanding was a divergence of goals. I wanted perfection. He wanted growth. I was focused on perfecting my actions. He cared more about perfecting my heart.

Deep down I only want to ask for help on the big stuff and I often don’t realize I needed help until I fail or underperform to my self-imposed standard. Then I’m mad and blaming God because it didn’t work out. Next, I’m questioning my abilities and finally, I realize I took control again and regret not asking for help. It’s a cycle I never realized I was caught in.

The Solution

Now I want to ask for help first. I’m over the stress and the drama. I’d rather just lean in from the beginning.

I hate being stuck in a cycle but they do give you the ability to see your future. You already have a sense of how that story ends. You’ve lived it. You’re familiar with the consequences and you have all the information needed to choose differently. It’s not complicated, just costly (this was one of my favorite lines from an Andy Mineo song). It costs you discipline. It may cost you your comfort. But regardless the cost will be less than what you’ve been paying.

What I See Clearly

This is what I know. My desperate need to be independent causes me to crash and burn every time. If I was meant to make it by sheer will I would and the realization that I am never capable of making it on my own is an irritating slap in the face, but it’s the truth. I was never meant to do this on my own. The key to my success is dependence.

«Consider This»

Independence is heralded as a badge of honor but without balance it can be detrimental. More importantly, we have to examine the motivation for our independence. We all tell ourselves a story about what it will gain us and protect us from but the story is not always grounded in truth and the end result is not always completely for our good. There might be a better way.

• What circumstances motivate you to fight for your independence and how do you fight?
• What have you told yourself independence will gain you and protect you from? (Look again at this truth)
• Are you exerting independence in an area that it doesn’t belong?

Let’s have a conversation about this. Share your thoughts below.